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<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\nDunbar’s Number illustrated by a diagram.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n As my floormates bantered and exchanged quips about their experiences in their Senior Seminars that night, I remember swiveling around, looking at the various groups of NUS students that were dining in. It hit me that these groups were all drawn together by their student dorms that we respectively called home. Here in our Home of Possibilities, twenty-one floors of erudite students share memories, love, and trauma-bond over dining hall food. Where does it all go when we leave?<\/p>\n\n\n\n By this paragraph, perhaps you\u2019re grappling with the fact that your time in Tembusu has drawn to a close, trying to identify who your five closest friends are after your two years here. You\u2019re scrolling through your gallery, reminiscing memories of meal enhancements or study sessions in the level lounge you call home. A few familiar faces flash across your screen as you travel back in time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Throughout these two years in Tembusu College and NUS, I have been blessed with meeting many lovely individuals. Some have taught me bittersweet lessons about life and love, while others have encouraged me to give my best in whatever I do. Most importantly, these friends let me know whenever the dining hall has the egg station set up for breakfast. I would not have got to where I am today without them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Friendships that have inspired me in university.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIn prosperity, it is very easy to find a friend; but in adversity it is the most difficult of all things.\u201d \u2013 Epictetus<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n The word \u2018friend\u2019 is derived from the Old English verb fr\u0113on<\/em>, which carries the meaning of \u201cto love, like, honour, or to set free<\/strong>\u201d. It has a beautiful beginning, though one that often doesn\u2019t match the reality we grow into. Over time, most of us learn that friends come and go. There\u2019s no denying that. The diverging paths we take after each school\u2014primary, secondary, tertiary\u2014only serve to build the walls that keep us apart. The texts dry up, the meetings become rare, and you soon find yourself limited to receiving \u201chappy birthdays\u201d and the occasional Instagram like. Friendships can fade, and they can sometimes change. The peril of friendships is that it can also evolve to one of give-and-take. Whether it be a friend who begins to solely come to you for personal favours, or one who only approaches you to vent without asking how you are, friendships can unfortunately become transactional. I have regretfully been on both ends of these friendships in the past. They\u2019ve taught me how essential it is to communicate boundaries early\u2014because without them, even good intentions can wear thin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It took me a long time to reflect on who truly belonged in my \u2018Tembu Five\u2019, as my past experiences of being misunderstood and neglected have made me wary of who I let in. I have friendships that I hold close to my heart now, but I also had friendships that have unraveled, as strife revealed the incongruity between the respective values we held. These friendships, though relatively short-lived, left me in a disproportionately long state of anxiety and grief when they faded out. Despite not being central figures in my life, our shared experiences and familiarity we had built became woven into my Tembusu identity, creating bonds that can never truly be replaced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In facing these adversities, I\u2019ve also had to confront my own shortcomings\u2014how my own fears, habits, or silence had played a part in these \u201cfriendship breakups\u201d. But through that discomfort, I\u2019ve been trying my best to show up more honestly, to hold space for others, and to be more intentional in the way I nurture my current friendships. It reminds me of the difficult truth that no friendship remains untested by time, and that a lasting friendship requires devotion, vulnerability, and mutual effort, come hell or high water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n West Coast Park, my safe haven and where I’ve picnicked with my friends.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n While the idea of Dunbar\u2019s Number is a psychologically-backed theory in classifying the people we interact with, I found that it quietly began to weigh on me. I started putting people into Dunbar\u2019s \u201cboxes\u201d, which I found to be a narcissistic and self-serving thing to do. It wasn\u2019t until I caught myself constantly \u2018keeping track\u2019 of which five people in Tembusu I could fully trust that I realised how limiting and harmful that mindset had become for me. That was when I decided to stop taking it so seriously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After all this time, I’ve found that the friends that have survived the test of time are those who accept us for who we are. They stand by us in times of crisis, even when others don\u2019t. They hear us out, time and time again, about the same issues that we\u2019ve been caught in. They attempt to empathise with our perspectives. Above all, they forgive<\/strong>. Like Chandler and Joey in Friends<\/em> or Jake and Charles in Brooklyn Nine-Nine<\/em>, friends have the ability to dampen the trials and tribulations we encounter as we find our direction in life. In Tembusu terms, they advise you on which Senior Seminars to bid for, and how to increase your odds of getting a third-year stay. <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n After casting Dunbar\u2019s Number aside, I began to adopt a more \u201claissez-faire\u201d approach towards friendships, allowing them to unfold more naturally. I know it sounds contradictory, especially after stating how an enduring friendship requires mutual effort from both parties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Spontaneity in friendships often yield precious moments like these.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n But hear me out. The commonalities in interests, faculty, or even the level you live on may help you meet new friends. However, in the shared space of a university, we all eventually reach the last tutorial or IG session. Effort still deeply matters in maintaining friendships. Yet what truly allows them to transcend time and space are shared values and the ability to communicate and compromise. These, I believe, are tied to intrinsic dispositions\u2014things we can\u2019t always control\u2014leaving much up to fate. And maybe that\u2019s the most endearing part: that each time we enter a friendship without knowing where it will lead, we are also discovering what we stand for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It won\u2019t be easy to stay in touch with the people we\u2019ve come to love after leaving Tembusu. As you\u2019ve probably gathered by now, I no longer believe in the idea of a fixed \u2018Tembu Five,\u2019 nor do I expect to stay close with many friends from here after graduating from the UTCP. But remember this: whether it\u2019s five, fifty, or just two\u2014you have friends who will weather storms with you. More importantly, they\u2019re the ones who will help you grow into a better version of yourself. The least we can do is show up for them in return, through life\u2019s highs and lows, well into the golden years. You might not know exactly who they are right now, but trust that they\u2019ll show up when you need them most. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The chalk markings on our doors<\/a> stand as a testament to the bonds we have made and the Tembusu-specific experiences we will never encounter anywhere else. Before checking out this week, take a gander at every one of these messages. As you wipe them off before leaving for the summer, reflect on the beautiful times you\u2019ve had and celebrate the friends who have walked with you, and will continue to do so beyond. As the opening theme for Friends <\/em>goes, they\u2019ll be there for you, and you\u2019ll be there for them too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Diagram of Dunbar’s Number from New Scientist<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n About the Author<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Judd is a second-year Political Science and History major who believes that Melodrama <\/em>by Lorde is the best album of the past decade. When not training for marathons or reading up on Adlerian psychology, he loves a warm cup of chamomile tea while supporting Chelsea Football Club in the comfort of his room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n References<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Dunbar, R. (n.d.). Dunbar\u2019s number. New Scientist<\/em>. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.newscientist.com\/definition\/dunbars-number<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n HarperCollins. (2022). Friend. In The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language<\/em>, (5th ed.). Retrieved from https:\/\/ahdictionary.com\/word\/search.html?q=friend<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Lindenfors, P., Wartel, A., & Lind, J. (2021). \u2018Dunbar\u2019s number\u2019 deconstructed. Biology Letters<\/em>, 17<\/em>(5), 1-4. https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1098\/rsbl.2021.0158<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n
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